The power of refusing to be anything other than your full whole true Self
How much of myself do I get to be as a therapist?
For the past seven years I have been contemplating this question.
It started when I entered grad school to become a therapist and has continued to take up substantial space in my BodyMind since.
I remember being in class multiple times and wondering (then often asking) this question to my peers and my professors. When I told them of my big dreams that went beyond the private practice room they just stared at me blankly. Almost pitying me, like I had entered the wrong profession or was naive - childish in some way. An experience I’ve had my whole life as an Autistic person.
We are the dreamers of possible worlds our muggle brethren can’t see and thus, don’t believe in.
At times this existential question caused so much distress as to make me contemplate am I even meant to be a therapist?
(I internalized their doubts)
Do I even want to be a therapist?
(And began to question my own deep true knowing - intuition)
This is one of the reasons I chose to take three months off after passing my LMFT clinical exam in February 2023, three days before my 33rd birthday (Jesus Year!) and a month before my life giving aka gender affirming Top Surgery.
Three years of full time grad school, five clinical associateship placements, 3,000 hours and far too much bureaucratic forms and fees and required extra (not free) trainings later I was completely disillusioned with the Becoming-A-Therapist path, utterly burnt out from the process and broke from receiving less than half of what I should have been making and my high out of pocket maximum from my shitty self employed health insurance.
(Did you know therapists are one of the worst paid masters degree yet somehow one of the most in demand jobs?)
Those three months off to heal, reflect and reassess were necessary. Something not many people get the luxury to do, but I did due to moving back in with family and financial support from my nesting partner.
By month two I knew for sure that yes, I did still want to be a therapist.
Instead of just relying on what my natal chart says, which is very strong therapist energy, I know had an internal cue, a knowing, a permission and re-commitment calling out to me from my body that it was time to serve again. The stars mean nothing if we cannot feel their meaning in our bodies (why I love the work of Embodied Astrology so much.)
Once I had that yes, I went ahead and officially opened my private practice in July 2023.
But this existential question of “how much of myself do I get to be as a therapist” persisted, harder than ever.
This is the main reason I paused my weekly newsletter because now that I was “a real therapist” legally providing services could I continue to show up here in the way I have?
Authentically
Unapologetically
Fully
Like the name states.
Could I keep sharing my art here? My raw emotional - often “dark” poetry and paintings birthed from my own experiences of “mental health” “symptoms?”
Could I even say I’m an artist? A Transdisciplinary one at that?
Would I ever be taken seriously by potential future clients?
Would I somehow lose my license?
Could I ever get to exist wholly as myself or would I always need to compartmentalize the authentic parts of myself that according to some belong in different “fields” and “industries?”
Cheesus I’ve been so exhausted by this inner conflict for years now. Like my clients who tell me how frustrated and fatigued they are from their own internal parts spiraling and fraying.
Well I’ve decided enough is enough. I get to be however and whomever in whatever make up I want because this is my life, my body, my path and I refuse to be forced to be anything but my Whole Full Prismatic Self no matter my job or career or what have you.
One of the gifts of being Autistic is having a next to nil tolerance for incongruence. For actions not aligning with words - like stated values.
If I’m not being authentic how in the world can I preach the gospel of its benefits to my clients? To my community?
If I’m operating from a place of fear of the “the powers that be” and other folks perceptions of my “professionalism” or “expertise” how in the world will I ever embody the full potential of what Creator, Ancestors and my North Node have laid forth for me?
If I’m constantly expending valuable energy - brain power, nervous system power, spiritual power remaining in this existential conflict, hypervigilant about what or what not to share and in what way and how in the world, will I ever serve what’s meaningful? How will I ever NOT be completely and utterly burnt out and cynical?
As such, I’m not doing it anymore.
This is the Chariot I am choosing to leave behind in 2023 for good. That is what last year was all about. Ridding the containers - whether they be belief systems, chronic behavioral patterns, people, places or systems that just cannot take you any further. Are too worn and broken and tired.
A new a Chariot is waiting.
I choose these new Chariots proudly:
Teaching Full & Plenty Joy
Practicing S.L. McIntyre Psychotherapy
Creating my art
Owning my new legal name: Solasta Lucky McIntyre
Celebrating who I am as a Queer Nonbinary AuDHD Survivor
I choose these knowing that more likely than not, many of these new chariots will become worn and tired at some point too. It is okay to lay things to rest. It’s normal and natural and part of the process.
That could be in 10 years that could be with my last breath of life.
Whenever it is, however, just doesn’t matter right now.
What does matter is showing up.
Something else I’ve learned a lot about over the years and am finally reaching a conclusion around.
Community is where you show up.
Period.
I chose to show up here. Every week. Fully and Joyfully with plenty to share.
I love you and thank you.
Here’s to new rides.
May the passionate heart power of 2024 - The Strength Card year keep you going towards your fullest biggest wholiest dreams.
